Funny When You Dont Have a Clue Whats Going on

I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue has about one of these per episode, but the crowning moment of Mornington Crescent has got to be the sat nav system that fell in love with Jeremy Hardy.

Jeremy: Fulham Broadway.
Satnav: I love you Jeremy.
Jeremy: Not now!
Satnav: Please sing to me. Please.
Jeremy: No!

• Another episode sees the team play Mornington Crescent alongside with a computer, which, like Jeremy Hardy and the Sat Nav, falls in love with Stephen Fry ("Stevie baby!") before malfunctioning slightly near the end of the round ("Knight to bishop four!").

Musical Families, the One where Graeme Garden Sings Louis Armstrong's "It's A Wonderful World" in the style of Neil Armstrong, which seems boring until the first line;

"I See Trees of Green...(Beep)...Red Roses too"

• "And I think to myself (static) what a wonderful moon..."

Series 14, Episode 10 has a hilarious spoken game of Snap (which involves, among other things, repeated appearances of the 5 of Clubs). The next round is Limericks, and when the first line of the first limerick is "Michael Jackson's a bit of a card...", they continue to reference Snap.

This limerick from Series 15, Episode 7.

When they raised the Titanic, they found
That the band had survived and not drowned
They hadn't gone far;
They were still in the bar
And that is why Humph's still around!

The Sound Charades where Tim Brooke-Taylor And Jeremy Hardy have to do "The Sopranos" (Series 36, Episode 6). The last words of the scene: "The end. Of our careers."

Graeme and Barry's censored version of "My Favorite Things":

(bleep) (bleep) and

(bleep) (bleep) and

(bleep) (bleep) and (bleep) (bleep)

(bleep) (bleep) and

(bleep) (bleep) and

(bleep) (bleep) and (bleep) (bleep)

(bleep) (bleep) and

(bleep) (bleep) all tied up with string,

These are a few of my favourite things...

• Also, on that note, their hilariously simple rendition of "All Through The Night":

  bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz
  All through the night
  bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz
  All through the night
  bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz
  ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT!

• The following rendition of (spoilered because it reveals the gag) "My Grandfather's Clock".

  My grandfather's bzz was too large...
  So it stood ninety years on the floor...
  It was taller than half of the old man himself...
  Though it weighed not a pennyweight more!
  It was bzz on the morn of the day that he was born...
  And was always—(starts cracking up)—his treasure and pride...
  But it stopped short never to go again
  When the old man died!

• This one from The King and I:

  Whenever I feel afraid,
  I hold my head erect,
  And whistle a happy tune,
  So no-one else suspects
  I'm afraid.

  While shivering in my shoes,
  I strike a careless pose,
  And whistle a happy tune,
  So no-one ever knows
  I'm afraid!

  The result of this deception
  Is very strange to tell,
  For when I fool the people I fear,
  I fool myself as well!

• Pippa Evans' and Miles Jupp's rendition of "I've Got You, Babe":

  They say we're young and we don't know,
  Won't find out until we grow.
  Well, I don't know why that's true,
  'Cause you've got me and baby, I've got you.
  Babe, I've got you babe, I've got you babe.

  I've got flowers in the spring.
  I've got you to wear my ring.
  And when I'm scared, you're a clown.
  And when I'm sad, you're around.

  And then they say your hair's too long.
  But I don't care, with you I can't go wrong.
  Then put your little hand in mine,
  There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb.
  Babe, I've got you babe, I've got you babe.
  I've got you, babe!

The "Swanee Kazoo" rendition of "Tequila" where the swanee whistle attempted to play the whole melody and the kazoo's only contribution was the "tequila!" at the end of the line.

The 30th anniversary show. It has Stephen Fry's definition of "countryside" as "to kill Piers Morgan," Humph saying that the only way he could read the producer's handwriting was to pin it up on a board and run past it, lots of abuse of Barry and Ho Yay between him and Stephen, a Close Quotes round including this:

William Hague: I was in the school choir even though I couldn't sing very well. I went on all the German trips even though I didn't study German. I went on all the R.E. trips even though I didn't study R.E. I was...

Graeme: I was the coach driver.

and this:

Tony Blair: This dome is going to opened on time and on budget, it will not be torn down, it will be a lasting asset for the country, it is a triumph in the end for confidence over cynicism, boldness over blandness, and...

Tim: Arse over tit.

Or :

Michael Jackson: That's the most horrifying, ridiculous story I've ever heard, its crazy...

Graeme: Where did those Three bears get all that Porridge?

...a game of Mornington Crescent commentated on by Raymond Baxter, a game of Cheddar Gorge that turns into Word Salad ("While." "This." "Can." "Be." Constituted." "To." "A." "Lack." "Of." "Grammar..."), and the second page quote:

Humphrey Lyttelton: For a show such as this to have lasted thirty years might be thought achievement enough in itself. But to have brought joy and laughter to thousands of listeners... might at least have been worth a try.

Another Close Quotes one:

Margaret Thatcher: At this Conference last year, you'll remember that I said, "The National Health Service is safe with us"...
Willie Rushton: ... April Fool!

More Close Quotes, these ones from Cherie Blair's autobiography:

Cherie Blair: I'd gone to a girl's convent school, where the nuns had always encouraged us to use all our...

Tim Brooke-Taylor: ... batteries sparingly.

And:

Cherie Blair: After a Christmas dinner hosted by Derry Irvin, a lot of drink had been drunk, and Tony was decidedly...

Phill Jupitus: ... not that picky.

And:

Cherie Blair: It was quite cold that night, and I quite like my husband, and I'm afraid to say that the Queen was...

Tim Brooke-Taylor: ... not up for a threesome.

And:

Cherie Blair: I never wore makeup at all until 1994, when someone said...

Graeme Garden: "I'm so sorry, I was trying to post a letter."

The attempt at playing "The Upstairs Downton Forsyte Abbey Saga" which degenerated into a mass of sound effects being played on top of each other.

This round of Close Quotes, featuring the deathless words of George W. Bush, is hysterical not for the answers they give (which are pretty good), but for W's quotes, which are more bizarre than anything they could come up with and which stymie the panelists.

For similar reasons, the rounds of "Complete Childrens' Jokes" always go well:

Child's voice: What's green and hangs off trees?

Tim: An unripe elephant?

Child's voice: Giraffe!

[A pause, followed by baffled laughter from the audience and panel]

Tim: I was close!

Ebenezer Scrumph shooting down the Snowman in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Christmas Carol.

In episode 4 of series 54, the panelists stage a drama series with sound effects, which is as off-the-wall as they can make it. Eventually, though, it degenerates into a fight between Ross Noble's and Graeme Garden's characters ... during which Graeme has a gun and Ross has his fists.

Ross Noble: I don't think this is a fair fight!

"The Quiz of Quizzes" (Series 36, Episode 6), an intentionally absurd mash-up of assorted quiz formats.

Barry: Can I go 50-50?

Humph: Very well. Computer, take away one wrong answer and one right answer.

• Other quizzes parodied include Fifteen to One ("Nominate Graeme." "No, the correct answer is nominate Barry.") and The Weakest Link, in which everyone is asked who to declare the Weakest Link, and they choose Anne Robinson (who, it should be noted, isn't present).

  Humphrey: Tim, why Anne Robinson?
  Tim: Precisely.

• For one round, Barry is allowed to phone a friend. He phones Ian (Paterson)... who is in the audience, and Humph scolds him for not having turned his mobile off during recording, so Ian promptly does so. Barry, somehow having not heard this, is confused as to why Ian's stopped answering, so he goes for asking the audience. Cue everyone's phone going off.
• The "What Happens Next Round". Humph presses Graeme to tell him what happens next, which Graeme can't answer because they've never played the game before. Fortunately, Graeme's still speaking while the whistle goes.

Marcus Brigstocke's Pick-up Song, accompanying Shaggy's "Boombastic".

• And Jack Dee's comment afterwards:

  Jack: Of course, what listeners at home missed out on was Barry spinning on his head.

• Earlier in the same round, Tim has to sing along to Rebecca Black's "Friday". Amazingly, he actually manages it, though not without difficulty.

  Jack: I was worried for Tim for a second there.
  Tim: You were worried?!
  Jack: Alright, Barry, you're-
  Barry: I'm not following that!

From a round of "Last Sentence", when Barry was given Cell Block H. His submission was okay, but his reaction to the audience's reaction was lovely.

Barry: Who left that bleedin' door open?

(slight audience laughter)

Barry: ...Hah hah...they all escaped! That would end the series...it's a good round, this.

• From the same episode, Tim and Willie get into a discussion amongst themselves at the end of a round.

Humph: Do you mind? ...I'm trying to introduce the next round.

Willie: ...Well, carry on.

Tim: Yes, don't mind us.

Humph: ...Right. So now—

Tim: Anyway, so I said to her—

A round of Closed Quotes with quotes taken from a 1930's husband's etiquette manual.

Jack Dee: "Don't squeeze the toothpaste from the top instead of from the bottom. This is one of the small things in life that..."

Jeremy: ... shouldn't be in your bottom.

(hysterics all round)

Tim: "And I pay my licence fee for this..."

• And this:

Jack: "Always remember your wife is like tar. Melt her, and she will..."

Tim: ... get laid by a bunch of workmen.

• And this:

Jack: "Don't allow yourself to become careless in your conversation, and as far as possible, don't use the clichéd expressions of the moment, such as..."

Graeme: [slowly] ... "Move yo' ass 'fore you get yourself pimp-slapped, bitch."

The Pick-up Song where Barry Cryer breaks into giggles due to the other panellists trying to put him off, and when the sound is turned up the record has moved onto the next song.

• How about the Pick-Up Song where Graeme's singing seems well in time, and he manages to get the audience to join in on the chorus...and when the sound is turned up, they find the record has stuck.

"Girlfriend in a Coma" to the tune of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips". Other great examples of "One Song to the Tune of Another" include...

• "A Whiter Shade of Pale" to the tunes of "My Old Man's A Dustman" or The Muppet Show theme
• Elvis' "Love Me Tender" to the tune of the theme from The Archers

A round of Uxbridge English Dictionary got us this.

In a Series 56 episode, the panel had to do scenes with some people replaced by ducks. This leads up to a scene where they all quack "I am Spartacus"... so Jack had to shoot them all.

Tim having to sing "Friday" in a round of Pick-up Song.

In a round of "Word for Word", Barry challenges Tim and Andy (Hamilton), claiming that "Sharabang Sperm" was a Sixties rock group. This isn't the Funny, however — the Funny comes when Graeme intones "Barry remembers their greatest hit!", forcing Barry to improvise a song on the spot. It's...memorable.

In one round of Pick-Up Song, everyone has a notable moment (Tim singing "I'm A Believer" and getting the audience to join in, Barry singing "Some Enchanted Evening" in the persona of a pub owner), finishing with Jeremy — who sings Joe Cocker's infamous bluegrass version of "With A Little Help From My Friends". Eventually, the other panellists and the audience all join in...and when the record comes back on, he's about half a chorus ahead of the song. The mood-swing is audible and hilarious.

• Later in that episode, as the teams are playing Mornington Crescent, Jeremy somehow finds himself in New York, first playing Times Square, then 42nd Street. After some spirited debate about the legality of the latter move, Tim cracks, "I thought you sang," which leads Jeremy to once again call 42nd Street ... in an impression of Joe Cocker. (The teams then accept the move, and play proceeds.)

This moment from one of the Live CDs.

Humph: Well, that's almost all we've got time for, but we've got just long enough for a round of Doctor's Songbook. Tim, will you start?

Tim: "Knees Up Mother Brown".

• At which point the house is brought down. After a few moments, this ensues:

  Humph: Right, well...that's the end of our...

  Graeme: That's the end of our contract.

  Tim: I really wanted to do that one, which I think was "Brown Girl In The Ring", which goes "Show me your motion..."

• At which point the house is brought down again.

The episode just prior to the Millennium recorded at the Royal Greenwich Observatory includes a round in which the teams play the playground game "What's the time, Mr Wolf?"...but instead it becomes "What is Time, Professor Wolff?", in which they ask celebrity scientist Heinz Wolff questions about the nature of time.

The first time Jeremy Hardy appeared on the show, he stumbled on a word while playing "Cheddar Gorge" and dropped the f-bomb. The teams were more amused than shocked, and this ensued.

Jeremy: I'm sorry I said the fuck-w. I do apologize, ladies and gentlemen.

Willie: Well, he's an alternative, you know. He has to say it every now and again. They get taxed otherwise.

Humph: ...has anybody got the faintest idea what's going on?

Barry: We're playing Cheddar fucking Gorge, Humph!

• Needless to say, this was cut from the radio broadcast, but it can be heard on the CD of the live episode recording session.
• Also from that episode — the very first time Jeremy's singing was unleashed on an unsuspecting public.

Willie: I smell points there.

When they Played Santa's Grotto with Stephen Fry, Graeme and Barry had to guess what a child (Stephen) wanted for Christmas by asking questions with Tim as the child's father.

Graeme: Is it very big?

Stephen: (Highpitched nervous voice) No

Graeme: Is it very small?

Tim: (In a similar voice to Stephen) Speak up Stephen.

Stephen: It can be any size really.

Graeme: It can be any size can it? (Beat) Do you want a slap?

• This actually gets funnier if you've seen a QI episode wherein Stephen kept making vague statements about the size of a cavern complex and Phill Jupitus went off on him.

This moment of Throw It In from Series 54, Episode 2:

Jack: It's almost time to end the show, but we've just got time for a round of "Tobogganist's Film Club". So, teams, your suggestions, please, of movie titles likely to delight an audience of tobogganists, and other winter sports enthusiasts...

Graeme: Uh, Jack ... that should be "Tobacconist's".

(awkward pause continues, amid audience laughter)

Jack: So, teams, your suggestions, please, of movie titles likely to delight an audience of tobogganists and other winter sports enthusiasts ... who smoke. (defensively) I'm not dyslexic. I've had tests done, and what they found is that I'm actually quite thick.

• Phill Jupitus proceeds to make winter sports-puns while everyone else does smoking puns, commenting throughout that he has no idea what's going on.

Another occasion when Jack stumbled over his lines:

Barry: Good grief. It's like being present at the birth of speech.

Letters between Charles Darwin and the Archbishop of Canterbury.. MONKEYS?!

Any time the chairman tries to subvert the "Points mean prizes" running gag, and the audience play along.

Humph: And points mean prizes...and prizes mean forces open by leverage. What do prizes mean?
Audience: FORCES OPEN BY LEVERAGE!
(sound of panellists losing it)

• Humph: I'll be awarding points, and points mean prizes. I'm Spartacus!
  Audience: [cheers and laughter]
  One audience member: I'm Spartacus!
  One audience member: I'm Spartacus!
  One audience member: Prizes!

A few times in the older episodes, a radio version of Blind Date was played. Whenever this happened we got to hear Humph's impression of Cilla Black, which involved him throwing the words "chuck" and "lorra fun" in wherever possible.

A round of "Closed Quotes" gets off-track.

Humph: I have to tell you...a Yorkshireman once came up to me after a gig, and he said "'Umphrey, I'm a blunt man and I'll say what I think". So I said "So am I, piss off."

Andy Hamilton: (after much laughter) And what did Parkinson say then?

In one round of "Sound Charades", Tim and Phill Jupitus did a very long sketch with the title "Two Mules For Sister Sarah", revolving around a shoe shop.

Graeme: Is "shoe" in the title?

Tim: Well...

Phill: Sort of.

Graeme: As in the word "shoe"?

Tim and Phill: No.

(beat, then laughter)

Barry: (laughing) You lie!

Tim: It's not The Shoes Of The Fisherman, if that's what you were getting at.

Graeme: ...Damn your eyes! Guards, seize him!

• Also the end of the sketch, where Humph says "I should've mentioned, you only have 30 seconds..."

There was a round in Series 57 where Jack read the first two lines of a cautionary poem and the players had to finish:

Jack: The infant Mike had dirty genes/he lived on top shelf magazines...

Rob Brydon: Evening, afternoon and morn/Mike would have his fill of porn

"Playboy", "Penthouse", "Rustler", "Knave"/Surely no way to behave

And then one day, the top shelf fell/On Mike, and he went straight to hell

A tragic end to short life/Snuffed out beneath the reader's wife

Tony Hawks singing along to Gangnam Style in a round of Pick-up Song. The next series went one better by having Tony sing Gangnam Style to the tune of Ode to Joy in the first episode's One Song to the Tune of Another.

The Sound Charade for "Flog It" where the entire sketch is Graeme saying "What are you going to do with that dead horse?" and Tim and Tony are left completely lost.

Tony [over audience laughter]: Yeah, yeah, funny when you know, isn't it?

Barry: My next line was going to be "I would have thought it was obvious"... obviously not.

Tim: Um...

Tony: That's all you're giving us, is it?

Barry: That's all we're giving you.

Tony: Dead horse...

Tim: Dead horse. Right...

Tony: Ex-something?

Graeme: Remember the question, "what are you going to do with that dead horse?"

Tim: We're going to... bury it.

Graeme: What do you do with a dead horse?

Tim: Burn it?

Tony: Take it to the tip? Is there a show called "Take It to the Tip"?

Tim: Oh... shooting! Shoot... shot... no... Shooting Stars? Well, you'd shoot it...

Graeme: What is there no point in doing to a dead horse?

Tony: Flogging it?

[MASSIVE audience cheer]

Barry: But what is the title?

Tim/Tony: Flog It!

[Another cheer]

• For that matter, any time they do an incredibly brief clue sketch for "Sound Charades". Another good one is Dirty Harry:

  Tim (as Alan Rickman): Potter...

  Sandi (as Daniel Radcliffe): Yes, sir?

  Tim (as Alan Rickman): Don't do that.

• Or this one for Brokeback Mountain:

  Jeremy Hardy: Hey, which of you fat bastards did this to my camel?!

The sound charade for Skyfall where Jeremy Hardy gets it before the charade has started. They do the charade anyway.

Jeremy: Honestly, when this is edited you won't recognize it because it's Gardener's Question Time.

• Better yet, when they do a second round, Jeremy's guess before the charade? "Bargain Hunt!" It was actually QI.

This glorious piece of Black Comedy from the intro to the "Inventions" round (referencing the coverup over the Hillsborough disaster):

Jack: This round is a tribute to those that work tirelessly inventing things, such as the South Yorkshire Police.

Any time the players are given a theme for a game and proceed to ignore it and invent their own. For example, the time they were given first lines of limericks to do with singing different types of church songs but made all the limericks about members of the then-current and scandal-prone Conservative government. The best one is probably:

In the middle of singing a carol,

Geoffrey Howe said "Your turn in the barrel!"

"That's a bit of a bummer,"

Said John Selwyn Gummer,

As Cecil whipped off his apparel.

The panel adds "in my pants" to a variety of films and shows. Hilarity Ensues.

This bit from a "Closed Lines" round:

Series 58 Episode 1 has "My Favourite Things" set to the Funeral March, as well as "Thriller" set to "The Liberty Bell".

From episode 1 of series 61:

• The "Letter Writing" round had all of the panelists corpsing throughout the whole thing.
• Susan Calman's entry for "One Song to the Tune of Another": Mousse T.'s "Horny" to the tune of "Leaning on a Lamp-post".

One round of "Closed Quotes" had Cliff Richard as the subject, producing such gems as:

Humph: "I never usually eat before the show, because..."

Graeme: ... at my age wind can be a problem.

• And:

  Humph: "I'm sixty-one now, and I've been known as the 'Peter Pan of Pop' for so long, I feel a great pressure to..."

  Barry: ... put on some green tights and fly out the window.

• One of the things that made this round funny was Humph's initial refusal to read out the correct answers because they were "so bloody boring". He starts reading out the correct answers towards the end of the round, which prompts Tim and Barry to say this:

  Barry: I was slapping my thighs!

  Tim: So that's what it was.

  Barry: And smacking my lips!

"Stars in Their Ears", in which the teams had to sing songs in the style of famous people. The highlight? Graeme singing "Wannabe" in the style of John Prescott.

Graeme: If you want my future, people just have to forget my past
And if you want to get with me and Tony Blair's government then better make it fast
Now don't you go wasting, don't you go wasting my precious time like the Tories did
Get your act together, we could be just fine if you listen to my demands.

Barry's occasional habit of saying "Wish I was dead" to convey his embarrassment if a joke falls flat or if he has to explain it.

"Sausages", a one-off round in which the teams ask Jack any question they like, but the answer is always "Sausages" no matter what the question is, the point being that Jack has to keep a straight face the whole time. Questions include "What are you wearing to the BAFTAs?", "What do these remind you of?" and "Complete the song title: All You Need Is...?".

• Jeremy Hardy asks "My first is in orange but not in tomato. What am I?". Before responding with "Sausages", Jack mutters "I'll get you for this."
• The final question:

  Jeremy: What do you think of when you're trying to keep a straight face?

  Jack: This round.

One round has the teams compose a madrigal, with the team members taking turns to add one line each. They are given the subject of President Clinton and the result (spoilered so it doesn't give away the joke) goes like this:

As I walked out one May morning, all in the White House grounds
From out the oval office I head such curious sounds
I peeped in through the window and saw Bill standing on a bucket
I said "What are you doing?" He said "I'm trying to see Nantucket."

The President then asked me "Have you seen my White House staff?"
I misconstrued his meaning and I gave a nervous laugh
Then up there popped a fine young lass, he said "This is my lodger."
I said "What is that in her mouth?" He said "A jammie dodger."

In Series 45 pianist Denis King is filling in for Colin Sell. Tim is singing 'Roxanne' to the tune of the theme from 'Black Beauty'. Straying from the accompaniment, Tim asks 'Do you know this song, Denis?' Hilarious because, as Tim and the audience are well aware, Denis composed it.

"Innovations" had the teams coming up with new products for an innovations catalogue. Products included a solar-powered Swiss Army toothpick ("Eight picks for all size of gap!"), a combined Kalashnikov and funnel for opening milk cartons, and a Russian roulette cigarette lighter and nasal hair remover ("Live dangerously!").

The opening episode of Series 65 had Rory Bremner singing "Single Ladies" by Beyoncé to the theme to Dad's Army.

The first game of Series 66, Episode 3 was to think of phrases that would evoke a Wilhem Scream.

Susan Calman: I've dropped some chocolate on my cream trousers and it's 9 AM! That really happened to me, it was very distressing.

Richard Osman: Barry, it's your round.

Graeme, for "One Song to the Tune of Another", singing "I'm a Little Teapot" to the tune of Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind", complete with Dylan imitation, and finishing off with a harmonica. And the crowner is Jack Dee's utterly deadpan "no-one likes a smartarse" afterward.

Tim having to sing along to the Bee Gees' "Night Fever". He definitely makes a go of imitating the group's falsetto singing, but...

Tim and John Finnemore having to act out the medical condition of thinking they're beers. Right from the start, it gets bizarre, and it stays there.

John: I have this terrible lifestyle. I spend all my time in bars, waiting around for people to pick me up.

Barry and Miles Jupp having a bizarre Musical Conversation (with Barry singing "I Hear You Knockin'").

Barry: You went away and left me a long time ago...

Miles: Yeah, yeah, we called last week.

Barry: And now you're knockin' on my door...

Barry: I hear you knockin', but you can't come in...

Miles: Can we just leave you with a copy of The Watch Tower? (audience laughter) Hello?

Barry: I hear you knockin', go back where you've been...

Miles: There is no need to take that attitude, Mr. Cryer! I would remind you the last time we visited, you actually begged us not to go!

Barry: I begged you not to go, but you said goodbye...

Barry: And now you're telling me all your lies...

Miles: There are no lies when you have true faith, Mr. Cryer.

Barry: I hear you knockin', but you can't come in
I hear you knockin', go back where you've been...

Miles: Only kidding, Mr. Cryer, it's the delivery from the off-licence!

From series 67, episode 1 and its One Song to the Tune of Another:

• Barry, singing "Firestarter" to the tune of "Singin' in the Rain".
• Newcomer Caroline Quentin singing "Cocaine" to the tune of "Walking on the Air".
• Tim singing "Hanky Panky" to the tune of "Teddy Bear Picnic".
• And Tony Hawks singing "Feelings" to the theme of Batman (1966). And yes, he includes the "na-na-na" bit.

  Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na feelings!

From series 67 episode 2, there's Pick Up Song:

• Barry has to sing "YMCA"... and doesn't manage to keep in tune with the song.
• Tony gets a-ha's "Take On Me", and the audience joins in when Tony gets to the falsetto parts.
• Caroline Quentin gets Adele's "Rolling in the Deep", and actually manages to sing in time... and after the audience wildly applauds...

  Barry: (still off-tune) YMCA...

• Followed by this, from Jack:

  Jack Dee: For those of you who've been listening to the program for the last thirty years, what you just heard was called "singing".

Later on in the same episode, there's new, EU-regulation free Mornington Crescent - now with electricity. Poor Tim gets zapped every time he says anything. Then Tony gets zapped, and makes the mistake of saying it doesn't feel as bad as he was expecting...

From series 68 episode 2:

• Tim trying to sing along to Jessie J's "Price Tag". Complete with attempt a falsetto.
• Tony Hawks gets "Macarena". He manages to stay in time. Then, after he's done...

  Jack: Tony Hawks, giving us his usual half-arsed approach...

• John Finnemore gets Johnny Cash's cover of Geoff Mack's "I've Been Everywhere"... and where Cash replaces the Australian place names with American names, John replaces them with a rapidfire list of Dorset place names (the episode having been recorded in his boyhood hometown of Poole).

  John: [with recording] I've been everywhere, man
  I've been everywhere, man
  Crossed the deserts bare, man [the recording is turned down]
  I've breathed the mountain air, man
  Trouble, I've had my share, man
  I've been everywhere
  I've been to Ferndown, Moordown, Pokesdown, Hamworthy
  Parkstone, Broadstone, Boscombe, Alderney
  Creekmoor, Rossmore, West Moors, Wallisdown
  Burwood, Bere Wood, Ringwood, Littledown
  Winton, Kinson, Upton, Branksome Park
  Poole Park, Bater Park, Tower Park (not after dark)
  I've been everywhere
  I've been to Canford, Sandford, Lulworth Forum, Blandford Forum
  Christchurch, Whitechurch, Whitchurch Canonicorum
  Lyme Regis, Bere Regis, Melcombe Regis, Castletown
  Tolpuddle, Affpuddle, Piddlehinton, Puddletown
  Tarrant Hinton, Tarrant Monkton, Tarrant Rushton, Sherborne
  Westbourne, Wimborne, every single Winterborne
  I've been everywhere, man... [recording comes back up]

• "Sound Charades" gets brutal when Tony and Barry are asked to do I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue. Tony gives exactly one hint.

  Tony: Oh! Look at this! A summary of Theresa May's views on Brexit!
  Tim: Is that it?
  Barry: Yes.
  John Finnemore: I think it must be I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again.
  (mix of boos and laughs from audience)

Series 70, episode 5's got a few:

• For One Song to The Tune of Another, Susan Calman is asked to sing "Sisters are Doing it For Themselves" to the tune of "Ruler of the Queen's Navy" from H.M.S. Pinafore. Tim, Rob Brydon and Richard Osman provide the chorus.
• Rob has to sing the lyrics of "Spider-Man" to "Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables. He does astoundingly well. And then...

  (after a very long, enthusiastic ovation from the audience, with several calls for an encore)
  Jack: Bloody show-off. ... did I say that out loud?

• Word for Word doesn't go very well. Richard keeps interrupting nearly every time with a ludicrous claim. Then Susan buzzes in with an anecdote about tinfoil underpants foiling security alarms, and how she knows this from personal experience... which, apparently, she knocked up from some she found in a skip.

  Richard: Sometimes, I forget how Scottish you are...

• For medical conditions, Rob and Richard have to claim they're IKEA furniture. Innuendo abounds.
• The smuggling game. When it's Tim and Susan against Rob and Richard, they must make the noises of the animals they think Rob and Richard are smuggling. Susan's animal noises especially are... uh, interesting. Meanwhile, when it's Rob and Richard's turn, they get to show off their celebrity impressions. Until Rob flubs doing Alec Guiness and winds up at Roger Moore instead.

Series 21, Willie Rushton objects to Graeme Garden's use of the rude word "sparrow's fart" in "Pick-Up Song." Barry suggests he is thinking of tit, to which Willie wistfully agrees. As soon as Humph lets Willie take over, Graeme objects to the use of another rude word: Willie.

• Willie then shoots back.

  Willie: I should tell you what "Graeme" means in our house...

From series 71, episode 3:

• During the round of bands with terrible titles, Harry Hill suggests "Wet Wet Wet... Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet... Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet Wet." ("*buzz* repetition")
• For One Song to the Tune of Another, Miles Jupp sings "Creep" to "New York, New York".

Series 71, episode 4:

• In Pick-up Song, Tim has to sing along to Meatloaf's "Anything for Love". It gets off to a good start when he can't keep in time with the recording at the very beginning... and it continues on from there.
• Reading out internet reviews without knowing what they're of gets us this:

Jack: "At least it allows you to avoid visiting Birmingham."

Harry Hill: Death?

Answer: The Coventry IKEA.

In a 2005 episode, they did a round spoofing Hell's Kitchen, which Humph noted would require him to assume the role of Angus Deayton — "so whilst two prostitutes and a kilo of cocaine are delivered to my dressing room..."

Series 72, episode 2 has the return of the censored songs, giving us Tim singing "I Do Like to [BUZZ] Beside the Seaside" and Pippa Evans and Miles Jupp singing Sonny & Cher's "I [BUZZ] You, Babe".

Series 72, episode 6: The Sat-Nav returns. Though sadly, due to Jeremy Hardy's absence, it no longer flirts with anyone.

Sat-Nav: (after Sandi makes a move in Mornington Crescent) Recalculating... Sandi, you earn half as much as Colin Sell.

The round of Pick-up Song from the 2007 clip show, where Jack Dee has to accompany Barney the Dinosaur.

Jack [impersonating Barney]: If you're happy and you know it, shout hooray... [the audience shouts "Hooray!"] If you're happy and you know it, take some drugs...

The Swanee-Kazoo rendition of "Thus Spake Zarathustra".

The round of "Pick Up Song" from series 39, episode 4:

• Tim is asked to sing along to Dusty Springfield's "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me". It begins with the grand opening, and then the music immediately cuts out before getting to the actual lyrics. Tim still gamely tries singing along anyway, but after the first verse stops momentarily to mutter "bastards".
• Graeme gets Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A'Changing". He brings out the harmonica to accompany it.
• Jeremy is told by Humphrey that he (Humphrey) is contractually obligated to tell him he must accompany Sting and the Police's "Roxanne". Poor Jeremy.

The opening to one episode's Mornington Crescent has the letter from a Mrs. Trellis, the single response to the Mornington Crescent survey. Instead of marking the choices of "excellent", "good", or "merely well above average", it seems Mrs. Trellis has managed to mark down "neither good nor bad", as well as "poor". And "buttock clenchingly awful". And "words can't even begin to describe how awful". Mainly because she has sent the Clue team a response to the Virgin Rail survey instead.

Humph's introductions to Sound Charades that featured a Double Entendre at the expense of Lionel Blair were almost all brilliant, but the best was undoubtedly this from 2002:

"...how the tears of frustration welled up in his eyes during their Italian tour at not being allowed the use of his mouth to finish off Two Gentlemen of Verona."

[The audience collapses into hysterics, as does guest panelist Sandi Toksvig, who is immobilised with laughter for a whole minute afterwards, repeatedly setting off the audience again]

• A later episode with Sandi sees this nearly happen again:

  Humph: "...none of us will ever forget the look of gleeful anticipation in his eyes when he was offered Howards End across Michael..."

  [Everyone, himself included, cracks up, with Sandi particularly helpless]

  Barry: Toksvig's gone!

  Sandi: (recovering) Oh! Don't, 'cause I'll have to wee again!

  Humph: "...across Michael Aspel's desk."

• Another highly memorable Lionel Blair joke:

  Humph: "...no-one will ever forget the time he was given A Town Like Alice, when he chose to do a silent impression of the author. Such was the performance, Una Stubbs gasped in amazement when she saw Nevil Shute in Lionel's face."

  [The audience gasps in shock for a moment, before dissolving in hysterical laughter]

The return of the Sat-Nav for the Welsh edition of Mornington Crescent, Morganton Crescent, which also comes with a Welsh Sat-Nav, which gets into a fight with the Sat-Nav over pronunciations, much to the Sat-Nav's upset.

Satnav: (having just heard the Welsh satnat) Is she Eastern European?
Welsh Satnav: Welsh. Shut it.

Welsh Satnav: It's a road sign. It says "keep left.
Satnav: Whatever it is, it appears to be missing a vowel.
Welsh Satnav: (long string of Welsh, which the Welsh audience laughs at) Which translates to: "So help me, I will kick your ass from here to Aberystwyth.
Satnav: Jack, are you going to let her speak to me like that?
Jack Dee: Graeme...
Satnav: Did last night mean nothing to you?

• "Not that way. That way is England."
• "Turn left into Cardigan, or you won't feel the benefit."
• "Oh, look. Sheep."
• In the same episode, it begins with Jack getting scolded by Rob Brydon for mispronouncing the name of the river Towy ("you come here with your fancy London ways and your media spectacles..."). Then, as Rob tries correcting him, one of the audience tries to correct Rob, who shoots back "don't be pedantic!"
• In the middle of the show, there's this:

  Jack: Rob Brydon, actor, comedian, author, voice-over artist. You thought you were returning to your family home in Swansea to take part in a light-hearted Radio 4 panel game. (This is Your Life theme plays) ... and you were quite right, you were.

• Another shot at the typical Radio 4 audience, when Jack explains a game that's been playing for forty years of the show:

  Jack: For those of you who weren't born forty years ago... this is Radio 4. You tuned in by mistake.

Rory Bremner, for One Song to the Tune of Another, having to sing "Imagine" to the tune of the Muppet Show theme. That's not the funny part. The funny part is a few seconds in when Rory starts doing a Kermit imitation... and still manages to sing the song.

• Before that, Barry must sing "My Ding-A-Ling"... to the tune of "Climb Every Mountain". He manages to do so, without corpsing despite the lyrics. Then, afterwards:

  Jack: Moving! ... can someone check Barry is still moving?

• Jeremy is asked to sing. Jack feels the need to preempt the audience.

  Jack: Jeremy, I'd like you to - naw, naw, (as the audience starts laughing) the Beatles let Ringo sing sometimes, and we're going to let Jeremy do it!

• In the same episode, the panellists must play "Spot the Intro", a game where they lie, blatantly, about the introduction of a song they're listening to. Everything's fine up until Tim is given the opening of "Johnny B. Goode" and claims it's Mozart.

  Jack: ... (sounding baffled) what? That's "Johnny B. Goode" by Chuck Berry, one of the most famous rock'n'roll songs of all time. (to the audience) I'm sorry about that.

• Naturally, shortly thereafter, Barry gets a song and says exactly what Tim chose (also very definitely not Mozart). Jack praises him for sussing out the tune. Then, a snippet of "She Loves You" by The Beatles plays (the episode having been recorded in their hometown of Liverpool). No-one buzzes in, and Jack just shrugs it off. Then, for their last selection:
• The round of Closed Quotes also has some good zingers.

  Jack: "An Englishman's house is..."
  Jeremy: Unaffordable.

  Jack: "After a storm comes..."
  Barry: A Prime Minister with wellies on.

  Jack: "Don't let the sun go down on..."
  Jeremy: Your newspaper order.

The introduction to the game "Slipper Hunt", where supposedly a slipper must be hidden from Humphrey's sight and passed around. After summing up this very inane sounding idea, Humphrey just declares "I'm seventy-eight, for Christ's sake!" ... and then when they start playing anyhow, it turns out they don't have a slipper anyway, and the game is immediately abandoned.

Tim: Humphrey... shouldn't someone have brought a slipper?
Humph: What would be the point of that?

An episode from 2016 where the teams are in Essex has a few of these.

• For the round of "Sound Charades", Barry and Sandi must do Pointless Celebrities. Sandi either doesn't recognise what that is, or is Obfuscating Stupidity like a champ. Did we mention on the other team is the show's co-host Richard Osman? The charade itself is pretty funny - Richard and Miles Jupp are in a classy restaurant, until they see some of the celebrities also eating there, such as Piers Morgan and "one of Jedward".
• During the episode's round of Mornington Crescent, some more Pointless references occur when it's Richard's turns, using noises from the game. Sandi still doesn't get them.
• Later on, there's a round completing quotes from Joey Essex, which, like those from the round with George W. Bush, manage to be more insane than most of what the teams can actually cook up, much to Sandi's exasperation:

  Sandi: (on Joey) He's doing better than us and he isn't even here!

• Soon, when Jack quotes one of Joey's comments on breasts, it's Sandi who tries finishing the quote ("I'm trying to channel him now!") Alarmingly, her suggestion isn't that far off what Joey actually says...
• At one point the teams zing Essex the place, finishing one of Joey's quotes by claiming a pair of parents is a status symbol in Essex, much to Jack's consternation.

  Jack: It's alright for you, I'm coming back here on tour!
  Richard: Not anymore, you're not!

Any time Barry and Graeme break out Hamish and Dougal. Such as the discussion on Mrs. McNoughtie producing honey.

Hamish: Does she make the honey herself?
Dougal: Oh, that's not nature's way.
(pause as the audience laughs for several seconds)

Graeme being asked to sing "I'm Too Sexy"... to the tune of "Frere Jaques" on its own would be silly enough, but he sings it with appropriate fake French accent. And then, Tim, Barry and David Mitchell join in, like one would singing the actual Frere Jaques.

During the same episode, Mornington Crescent has the Sat-Nav yet again, who for some reason is very against Milton Keynes (the episode having been recorded there - Jack introduces it as "definitely a city in Buckinghamshire.")

Sat-Nav: Take the first left at the twenty-seventh roundabout. ^note because, as anyone who's been to Milton Keynes knows, it has a lot of roundabouts.

• The Sat-Nav warns David "bear left". After a moment, she repeats herself. "In fifty yards, there is a bear on your left."
• Also during that episode, during "Word for Word", David Mitchell buzzes at light and foppish, insisting there's a connection, and gets grilled on it by Graeme and Barry, having to claim it's a seventeenth century musical written by Shakespeare. Soon after, Barry buzzes in on David and Tim's word, "bigamous" and "anteater" and it seems he's holding a grudge about "light and foppish".
• Meanwhile, Graeme does his thing of, when being asked to go, says "really" and "now" as his words. On the third time... he says nothing at all.

  Graeme: ...
  (bzz)
  Barry: Oh, what now?
  Tim: Hesitation!

• Jack's zinger at the beginning of the round, mentioning lately players have been abusing the rules by just repeating words. "So if you hear words repeating with no hint of variation... you're probably listening to The Archers." (which, of course, immediately follows Clue on the initial broadcast).

One episode from 1999, filmed in Nottingham, has Humph introducing the city by explaining it was originally named "Snottingham" (home of snots) until renamed by Norsemen who couldn't pronounce the letter "s". Then Humph says, in all innocence, "it's easy to see why this change was resisted by the people of Scunthorpe". Humph tries to continue on, but corpses twice.

• For that episode's round of "One Song to the Tune of Another", Jeremy is asked to sing "Hanky-Panky" to "Land of Hope and Glory".
• Humphry introducing "Musical Chars", which is like "Musical Chairs" save for a spelling error. "So be thankful I'm not asking you to play Beggar My Neighbour."
• As he goes on, Humph says contestants can raise challengers. "I'll listen carefully before dismissing them out of hand."
• The game involves apparently using household implements to clean the stage. Jeremy Hardy gets some wet-wipes, complete with squeaking sound. Then apparently Graeme steals them.
• Humph makes no secret of how bored he is with the game when it's just down to Graeme.

  Humph: You're the only one left.
  Graeme: Yes.
  Humph: Let's hurry through this.

Barry, for one round of "One Song" having to sing "The Marrow Song" to the Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody". Mundane Made Awesome at its finest.

Series 65, episode 5, recorded in Glasgow:

• For "One Song to the Tune of Another", Fred MacCauley sings "Grandma, We Love You" to the tune of "Scotland the Brave". The audience claps along. Afterwards, Jack comments "you even clap aggressively."
• In "Word for Word", Barry's pricklier than usual, and Jack comments on how badly behaved he's being without Graeme around. Meanwhile, Fred buzzes in suggesting one connection is a certain type of club where ladies dance for money... or so he's heard. Susan just comments that he could get that at the Buchanan Street bus station, and cheaper.
• The Complete Quotes has Susan Calman being given a Balamory themed one.

  Jack: "It's a sunny day, so everyone is..."
  Susan: TOPLESS!

• For the last game, the audience is given kazoos to try and play a song, which the teams must then identify. As soon as it begins, there's a hint this idea wasn't thought through very well, as an entire audience of people try to play kazoos. There's a sound like a swarm of bees, over which can faintly be heard some people trying to play the song. Susan says it best.

  Susan: That was amazing. ... I think that was the angriest rendition of "Flower of Scotland" I've ever heard.

• For the next song, they try "Donald, Where's Yuir Trousers", but the audience just can't manage it. Jack suggests limiting the number of audience members playing. When he suggests "just the moderate drinkers", there's near silence... except for one person just barely audible.
• For the final round, "Scottish Song Book", Fred gives out "Hit Me Baby One More Time, and I'll Break Your [bleep]ing Jaw" and "I'm a Boaby Girl".

Series 73, episode 1;

• Tim, in the absence of Barry and Graeme, being a severely Dirty Old Man, much to Jack's eventual upset.

  Jack: You're supposed to be the respectable one!

• And then it starts catching, as Rachel Paris gets in on the act.
• Meanwhile, in Word for Word, Marcus gets some weird challenges, such as his fear of lobsters, and Rachel doesn't seem to have gotten how to buzz in (hint: the buzzers).
• For One Song to the Tune of Another, Marcus Brigstocke gets "My Ding-A-Ling"... to the tune of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah".

The 2007 Christmas special Humph in Wonderland features a duet between Rob Brydon and Jeremy Hardy. Before they even start singing, the audience are audibly laughing just at the idea.

Series 73/74, episode 3: The attempt at a murder mystery game. It'd probably worked slightly better if the comedians weren't operating via Zoom... but maybe not, when Marcus Brigstocke 'kills' Rachel Parris (since they are married, and therefore broadcasting from the same house). Miles Jupp is apparently not paying any attention, and Jo Brand figures out who the killer is by sheer process of elimination.

Series 73/74, episode 4: For "One Song", Jack asks Harry Hill to sing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" with the lyrics of "My Ding-A-Ling". However, since the episode is being recorded via Zoom, Harry quickly runs into problems mid-song when he gets an email pop-up, neatly derailing the whole thing.

In Series 76 episode 3, Rory Bremner once again sings a song to the tune of The Muppet Show theme, doing a Kermit impression... but this time, the words are "Sexual Healing".

• Andy Hamilton, meanwhile, has to do "The Sun Has Got His Hat On" to the tune of "The Funeral March". He even gets the audience to join in. And then when he's done...

  Jack: I think I prefer that to the original.

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Source: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/ImSorryIHaventAClue

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